CAR BOOT SALE BASTARDS

3 Sep

As soon as I had finished writing the ‘RECORD WANKERS’ blog, I knew I was going to have to write the sister blog about the various types of unsavoury folks that buy and sell at the British phenomenon known as the car boot sale.  But trust me ladies and gentlemen, this is not the loving sister that always remembers your birthday and provides you with a constant shoulder in your hour of need, oh no, this is one twisted sister she will get you out of your bed at 5.00 a.m. and propel you onto a muddy field ripe with cow dung,  leaving you with nothing but a jigsaw of the Flying Scotsman with a missing piece, a Barbie with a badly scrawled Hitler ‘tache’  and  the only sustenance she will provide is a cup of non-branded tea, served in a styrofoam container retrieved from fingers with three years of dirt under their ragged nails.  No ladies and gentlemen, CAR BOOT SALE BASTARDS make record wankers seem almost lovable.

So before I continue, let me just explain a little bit about car boot sales for anybody who has never attended one, or for any reader who lives in a country that does not have these events.  The American reader will know these as trunk sales, or flea markets,  but trust me, they are far more ruthless than any trunk sale I have ever attended.

There are thousands upon thousands of car boot sales held up and down the United Kingdom on a daily basis. Saturday and Sunday  are the major booting days,  but so popular is the car boot sale, that should you so desire, you can find one within easy reach on pretty much any day of the week, morning, afternoon or evening.

The English Winter doesn’t prevent the car boot sale, the even just moves indoors and the competition for bargains becomes even more intense.

The car boot sale is a haven for a multitude of bastards, both buyers and sellers, when money is involved and the chance of finding treasure awaits, it awakens the slumbering ‘pirate’ that has been lying dormant in the hearts of all British men and women, and this ‘pirate’ is of the, yes you have guessed it; utter bastard variety!  So ladies and gentlemen, I give you car boot sale bastards, coming to a litter strewn field near you:

WAREHOUSE BASTARD, this is a character who is really just a market trader, everything  they sell, the batteries, the out of date Ibuprofen, the A4 paper you could get cheaper yourself from the local Costco.  WAREHOUSE BASTARD is saving himself a tidy sum of money, by pitching up at the car boot sale he or she  saves having to pay the extortionate market fees they are normally liable for and can have a bigger stall, with more passing trade for a third of the price.

The problem being, more WAREHOUSE BASTARDS start to roll up at the car boot sale, turning the car boot sale into a boring market and all the genuine booters become lost amongst the warehouse stalls.  WAREHOUSE BASTARD needs to be banned and dispatched back to the market he or she escaped from. Before they kill the boot sale and the genuine traders and keen buyers move onto another venue.

ASKING BASTARD, this is one of the most annoying bastards that attends the boot sale, just as you park your car and get ready to get your goods out, they will tap on the window and  start giving you a great long list of items, asking if you are selling them, the usual list includes “excuse me love, have you got any mobile phones, video games, jewellery, dvds, records, computers”.

Yes that’s right, all the stuff they can resell quickly at a profit, which is okay, but the real problems begin if you reply “oh yes I do, just give me a minute to get it out”,  this is the worst thing you can do ASKING BASTARD, will then become belligerent and start rifling through your stuff, which then leads to other people doing the same.  The last thing you should ever do to ASKING BASTARD is tell them yes you have something on their list, at all costs just say NO to everything.  If ASKING BASTARD wants the item,  that is a sure fire indicator that it will sell anyway, to somebody with a lot more patience.

ASKING BASTARD  spawns our next bastard, who can be equally annoying,  LET ME GET IT OUT FIRST BASTARD.  This person usually has nothing of any great interest or value to sell but they shout in a slightly demented tone, “LET ME GET IT OUT FIRST”, more often than not at people who just happened to be wandering by and flashed them a disinterested glance.  They will slam their boot down and start complaining to the person standing next to them about how everybody is trying to steal their items and instilling fear in the other stall holders.

LET ME GET IT OUT FIRST BASTARD, usually spends the day with a sour, disgruntled expression on their face and if they have a particularly good day, they will just take enough money to pay the stall fee.

ORGANISER BASTARD, yes the person or persons that actually  operate the car boot sale.  They are a particularly horrid breed.  If the car boot sale is immense they will have a team of henchmen,  who follow them round in hi-viz jackets.  ORGANISER BASTARD develops delusions of grandeur, in their mind’s eye,  they are not just some creepy middle aged tosser,  organising a downscale flea market.  No, they are Tony Soprano this field is their manner and the guys who they pay to pick up the litter and guide the cars into the spaces are their crew.  The amount of (no doubt unrecorded cash) that lands in their pocket at the end of a successful boot sale gives them that ‘bootlegger high’. Boardwalk Empire here we come!

The indoor boot sale ORGANISER BASTARD, is actually a totally different animal, oh yes they still have delusions of grandeur, but they are not in the organising game for power or even the money they can make on the event itself, oh no, they are running the boot sale so they can sweep it  clean of any item that is valuable, interesting or profit worthy.  They set their own stall up on the best pitch, usually involving  the stage of the hall behind them for that added display, and they ensure they  advertise  the boot sale in the local newspapers as ‘sellers at 12 p.m., buyers at 1 p.m’. which gives them plenty of time to do a clean-up.  The thing that really rattles ORGANISER BASTARD is when other dealers pay the money to stand at the boot sale and then do exactly the same thing as them, this is when ORGANISER BASTARD shows their true colours and finds a reason to ban the other dealers.  This though of course can ultimately backfire on ORGANISER BASTARD, as it can result in less people standing and the reputation amongst buyers spreads leading to less people attending the event.  To summarise, unless the car boot sale is being organised by a charity you can bet your bottom dollar the organiser is an utter bastard.

SNIDE BASTARD, yes no car boot sale would be complete without SNIDE BASTARD.  They are the lovely lads and lasses selling you all the movies currently at the cinema for “six for a fiver”.  SNIDE BASTARD, usually wears branded sports attire and could find a profitable extra stream of revenue by filming B.B.C. Crimewatch reconstructions.  They always have a paste table and tablecloth, which should the police or trading standards arrive at the boo,t can be cleared in seconds.  SNIDE BASTARDS don’t park their car in the selling area, it remains in the car park which they can then run to if raided.  ORGANISER BASTARD will deny any knowledge of knowing or even allowing  SNIDE BASTARD to stand the boot sale.  There will be signs posted at the entrance of the boot sale stating “no copy goods sold here”.  Meanwhile, ORGANISER BASTARD is charging SNIDE BASTARD an extortionate fee to stand at their boot sale, and on his walkie talkie informs SNIDE BASTARD, the minute any Police or trading standards arrive.  SNIDE BASTARD is particulary entertaining to stand opposite especially if there is a raid.  Problem being, SNIDE BASTARD is the most always the popular stall on the boot sale and if you are near SNIDE BASTARD, you are guaranteed a shite days takings.

EYEGLASS BASTARD, could also be called antique dealer bastard, but the eye glass is becoming an increasingly more prevalent sight at the boot sales.  EYE GLASS BASTARDS are nearly always members of the middle aged to senior age bracket so they need that eye glass it is essential for them to look for hallmarks, maker’s marks etc.  This is the bastard that alerts the seller to the fact that they are selling something far too cheaply, which then results in them removing the said items for sale and becoming increasingly paranoid and hiking the price up on everything else they are selling so EYEGLASS BASTARD then and spoils it for every other buyer in the vicinity.  As soon as EYEGLASS BASTARD starts squinting at a choker chain or a paste brooch you know the whole car is then fucked.

FOOD BASTARD,  this is the bastard I despise the most.  They materialise in many forms, they could be actually standing behind a paste table selling congealed and sun damaged sweets in plastic trays.  These sweets have usually been sitting rotting in their garage the entire Winter, waiting to come out again for another season of fingering.

FOOD BASTARD could also be selling the mountains of out of date crisps, cakes, tea bags, baked beans, packet soup, etc. They usually manage to conceal the sell by date with the odd pen mark, here and there.  Nobody is going to argue with them either they always look like they would happily bury you beneath the off Wagon Wheels.

The Emperor of the FOOD BASTARDS, is the registered food vendor, the burger stall, the donut wagon, the jacket potato tent.  These bastards pay the organiser a high price to stand the event and sign a contract, so they are always there, come rain or shine.  They always look dirty, unwashed, insanitary, unkempt and one step away from the streets.  Frying their bacon and burgers in last weeks fat, as they pick their nose and pull their over stretched leggings out of their arse crack.  Their tea tastes of bacon and the cup they leave the spoons to stir the sugar with is overflowing with brown coloured filthy water that just looking at makes you want to retch.

FOOD BASTARDS, could give a flying fuckity fuck about your health.  Monday morning when you have had to call into work sick and are still shitting through the eye of a needle FOOD BASTARDS are back home, scratching their bollocks and counting the cash and watching Jeremy Kyle.  In my opinion anybody who eats anything at a car boot sale must have a suicide wish.

BANANA BOX BASTARD, yes here they are again, you recognise the stall from the same Fyffes banana boxes you saw last week and the week before, and the week before, and the week before that!  BANANA BOX BASTARD thinks that they just have to turn up at the boot sale to sell out, they make no effort to bring any different items to sell from the week before, or even make the stall look remotely presentable, no, they just stand on the same grubby spot week after week, bum bug at the ready and overpriced grubby teddy bears just waiting to be ignored.

KNOCK-OFF BASTARD, they will turn up in a white van, usually with no name on the side, but you can see the name glinting in the sun that used to be on the side of the van, “Clive’s Flowers” or “Dave’s Pet Supplies”, sometimes the van is a hire van.  KNOCK-OFF BASTARD is on a ‘one shot deal’.  The items they sell will be of extremely high quality, entire DVD, blu –ray and video game collections, the contents of a living room, a whole garage clearance, lawn mowers, Strimmers, tool boxes entirely complete.  KNOCK- OFF BASTARD will quickly become surrounded with eager buyers.  You will be alerted to KNOCK OFF BASTARD,  by the complete lack of knowledge they possess about the items they are selling, they haven’t a clue what they have or even how much to sell it for, they just want it all gone, and gone fast.  You may find some of the DVD’s have the wrong films in the cases or some of the clothes have money in the pockets and there may even be a lot of private correspondence mixed in with the office furniture.   Because when KNOCK-OFF BASTARD tells you they have done a house clearance, that is exactly what they mean, but trust me no money has changed hands!  KNOCK-OFF BASTARD, usually leaves the boot sale early and has the same attire and shifty mannerisms as SNIDE BASTARD. You will never see KNOCK-OFF BASTARD, at that boot sale again, but KNOCK OFF BASTARD IS a seasoned  car booter, it is just that the stock and their choice of venue changes every week, for obvious reasons.

FANTASY LAND BASTARD, can be of the selling or buying variety, but is usually encountered as a buying bastard.  Yes they have struck gold again this week, just like they did last week.  “You won’t believe what I have bought this morning, a Clarice Cliff tea set, five gold Victorian sovereigns and a Beatles acetate, all from the same stall, I only paid £5 for the lot, they wanted £6 but I knocked them down.” FANTASY LAND BASTARD, will bore on for as long as they possibly can on a weekly basis about the amount of treasures they have unearthed for a pittance, but strangely, you never get to see any of these treasures, even when you are parked next to them in the car park.  FANTASY LAND BASTARD is a total pain in the arse and while you are listening to their shite, you are both missing the real bargains.

BAD BUY BASTARD yes they could appear at any time anywhere, they are the dealer from out of your area who masquerades as a genuine car booter, but is really just selling all the bad buys they have accumulated during the year.  The battery operated Star Wars toy that doesn’t work, the Doulton Lambeth jug with the cleverly glued handle, the vintage Sindy dolls with chewed fingers.  Initially BAD BUY BASTARD will attract a crowd, at first glance their car looks packed with antiques and collector’s items, and they will sell a fair few items in those first frenzied minutes.  But upon closer inspection it is all too good to be true and the flaws begin to show, the crowds start to move away and BAD BUY BASTARD is left to try and offload their crap on the late risers. A good way of spotting BAD BUY BASTARD is their stall is immaculately laid out with red velvet cloths and display cases, yep they are so used to attending the antique fairs they usually sell at they just can’t take that step down.  They are often quite posh and aloof, this is all beneath them but they have to clear their four bedroomed detached of all their unsuccessful purchases. BAD BUY BASTARDS will never be seen again for fear of the irate buyers returning next week for a refund.  They will leave the boot sale early and drive the 100 miles back to where they emerged from.  BAD BUY BASTARDS are a menace to dealer and punter alike.

This blog has really just scratched the surface of the car boot sale bastards, and as it seems that every week a new bastard emerges.

Car boot sales, can be fun, lucrative and no two boots are ever the same, fortune could be lurking just around that muddy corner, but more than likely it will just be another complete and utter bastard. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

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7 Responses to “CAR BOOT SALE BASTARDS”

  1. jules jones September 3, 2012 at 5:57 pm #

    hmmmmm what about us virgin carboot bastards lol

    • angelacollings September 3, 2012 at 6:02 pm #

      Arrr but you are what everyone is looking for, new flesh and are far from bastards xxxx

  2. Geoff September 3, 2012 at 6:32 pm #

    Love it Ange xxx

  3. Lou and Merv September 3, 2012 at 9:39 pm #

    Doing one this weekend but will be known as the ‘only doing if the sun shines Bastard!’ 🙂 Great blog though Ang, loved it.

    • angelacollings September 4, 2012 at 4:05 pm #

      Ha ha ha. Oh I am one of those too, good lucky Lou xxxxx

  4. southamptonoldlady November 26, 2015 at 1:46 pm #

    This is amazing – I would also add the Pitch Bastard – the one who throughout the day just starts adding a little bit more of his huge amount of stuff over on to all his neighbours on all sides of his pitch so that it is 4 times bigger than anyone elses.

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