RECORD WANKERS – THE TIT PARADE

23 Aug

People who still buy vinyl records are a small but hardy breed of folks.  The male variety, far outweigh the female, but there is the odd lady LP lover lurking about.

It is a profession that has kept me in sunglasses and Jamesons for nearly twenty years and a job I still adore, but as with every job they come with a procession of aresholes, or as I like to call them in my particular career; ‘RECORD WANKERS’!

So in the tradition of Top of the Pop’s, I shall light my big fat cigar, don my flares and summon the spirit of  Tommy Vance, for here pop pickers is my top ten Tit Parade of ‘RECORD WANKERS’:

In at number TEN we have the ADDLED WANKER, the one that has heard a snippet or snatch of a song on the radio and thinks that if they hum a few bars or mumble a few misheard lyrics you will know the song/artist and be able to locate the 7” instantly.  “It’s by that fella with the beard, you know the one who went gay and then got a limp”…..”You broke my heart (hum, cough, hum) and I fell to pieces (hum, hum, whistle). ADDLED WANKER is a particularly ‘bum clenching’ person to deal with, the more you look puzzled, the more agitated they become, sometimes causing them to storm off in a huff as you obviously don’t possess the “name that tune” knowledge they think you ought to.

Holding Steady at number NINE  is LOST CAUSE WANKER, they have been looking for that one rare pressing, by that obscure artist that is now almost impossible to find.  The problem with LOST CAUSE WANKER, is, apart from boring crushingly boring, if you ever do find that item for them, it ruins their life.  It is not really ever been about the item, more about the search, once that record they have been banging on about for ten years is in front of them, they almost instantly lose the will to live.  They are the sado-masochists of the vinyl world.

Sliding down to number EIGHT, it’s MORE THAN YOU WANKER, yes they come into your store or record fair and taking a deep breath of proud air through their stale yellowed teeth go on to inform you “I’ve got more records than you”.  It doesn’t matter how many records you have, they have got more and more and more.  I tried to combat MORE THAN YOU WANKER by wearing a t-shirt that said “my record collection can beat up your record collection”, it just made them more rabid.

After a unequalled time in the charts climbing back up to number SEVEN it’s DEALER WANKERS, yes the fellow champions of your profession, they buy sell and trade with you.  Their tales could give J.K. Rowling a run for her money.  They have always just been to buy ‘the’ most fantastic record collection in the country, filled with Beatles acetates and Marc Bolan signatures, and yes that’s right they got it all, yes all 1000 records for £50.  But really you know it is just the seedy old house packed with Jim Reeves, Barron Knights and Lulu that you went to the week before, you can smell the same dog on their clothes that was last Wednesday trying to mate with you.

Plummeting down to number SIX it’s THIEF WANKER, yes a chartbuster since the beginning of the ‘tit parade’.  Oh sorry I don’t know how that highly rare Elvis EP found it’s way inside that cheap OMD LP, and I certainly haven’t a clue how the Quadrophenia I haven’t paid for is in my bag”.  A wanker that will never be out of the charts.

We are halfway to paradise at number FIVE it’s MALAPROP WANKER, yes they are closely related to ADDLED WANKER, they are the Kylie to their Danni.  Nightmare scenario is ADDLED WANKER and MALAPROP WANKER appearing at the same time.  Some of my favourite Malaprops have been ‘Sealion Dion and ‘Maltloaf’.  The problem with MALAPROP WANKER  is it’s hard to keep a straight face and do you correct them?  They can sometimes turn slightly vindictive if you point out it’s  Julio Iglesias and not ‘Jewleo Englisharse’.

It’s a belter at number FOUR, VINYL SNIFFING WANKER Yep, they sniff the vinyl.  For anybody of a certain age, remember the joy we got when we had our new P.E. bag, the bright orange one with a swimmer or tennis player on the front, they absolutely reeked and we spent the week sniffing it?   Well Vinyl sniffer has never got over those P.E. bags and for him the only way to regain that high is to sniff the Bee Gees.  Strangely enough, VINYL SNIFFING WANKER is often umkempt smells a little, (but of wee wee not vinyl).

New entry at number THREE, ‘NICHE WANKER’.  They can only buy a certain style of music, which means they are an expert on that particular genre.  The worst NICHE WANKERS are the northern soul collectors, they bore on for hours and hours about, what in their opinion is the greatest Northern Soul record ever made and which is the best label.   NICHE WANKERS can make you want to find the sharpest 7” from Bros and hack away at your wrists until they leave.

Just missing out on the top spot at number TWO  it is STALKER WANKER, yes they only have eyes for that one artist, they are usually sighted in full regalia, t-shirt, cap, badges etc all displaying the object of their desire.  STALKER WANKER is the one wanker that has equal amount of male and female wankers in it’s club.  It could be Cliff Richard, Madonna or Daniel O’ Donnell, it doesn’t matter STALKER WANKER  is their biggest fan and knows everything about their ‘target’ in minute detail and is on a mission, if they can’t buy something from you, they will convert you, and implore you to  listen to every factoid and all every experience of fandom they have gone through until their voice is hoarse enough to suck a Fisherman’s Friend.  But you do listen, because there is something extremely unnerving about Stalker wanker.

So here we are the top of the shop the smeg on the top it’s number ONE, DISCOUNT WANKER.  You guessed it they will stop at nothing to get a discount, they will tell you a mint record is scratched, argue it’s not a first pressing, tell you it’s too expensive, say they already own ten copies.  They are relentless, rude and obnoxious and when they get the discount, are prone to say they still don’t want to buy the item.  Yes number one is DISCOUNT WANKER

So there you have it pop pickers, the RECORD WANKER TOP TEN.  Trust me it doesn’t matter if they are 33, 45, or 78, their wankerdom is assured.

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14 Responses to “RECORD WANKERS – THE TIT PARADE”

  1. Adam Pietrowski August 23, 2012 at 4:15 pm #

    This is fucking brilliant, Angela! Who’d have thought there would be that many wankers? Can you get cross-over, contaminated wankers?

  2. Kieran York August 23, 2012 at 4:31 pm #

    Priceless! Thanks for the great comedic insight. I’ll never look at another vinyl record again without a laugh. And I believe laughs are what keep us going. Super blog!

    • angelacollings August 23, 2012 at 7:20 pm #

      Thank-you Kieran, just don’t get sniffing xxxxxxxxxxx

  3. Geoff August 23, 2012 at 4:57 pm #

    Brilliant Ange , I should do the amateur radio presenter one some time lol xxxxxx

  4. Denise Knowles August 23, 2012 at 5:06 pm #

    Very funny, I have shared to my wall. : )))

  5. staceydmthorpe August 24, 2012 at 11:03 am #

    Fantastic Angela… if I had your skill I would try to do one of “Village Shop” wankers.. loved it xxx

  6. Mark August 24, 2012 at 1:16 pm #

    Superb….brightened up my lunch hour…..can we have some more top tens Ange ?? hugs..(oh boy do i remember those kit bags.. i had an orange one and it STUNK )

    • angelacollings August 24, 2012 at 8:16 pm #

      Oh Mark I had an orange on too with a swimmer, it never inspired me xxxx

  7. eguinan August 24, 2012 at 6:49 pm #

    That’s a scream. I won’t tell you which of these wankers I relate to, but as a male of a certain age who likes music a little too much too long, you’ve probably met me on many occasions!

  8. eguinan August 24, 2012 at 7:55 pm #

    Reblogged this on Enda Guinan | Social and commented:
    In which Ms Collings, a vinyl trader, helpfully defines the various kinds of “Record Wankers” she has dealt with over the year. (I must admit I identified a little too closely for comfort with more than one of these…

    • angelacollings August 24, 2012 at 8:16 pm #

      Thank you so much Enda for reblogging. I can’t believe you are any of those wankers xx

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